The Journey of Motherhood
It looks as though it’s time for my once-a-year blog post. Although, that ‘s a lie considering my last blog post was two years ago! So … I’ve been telling myself every night for the last two years that I’m going to start writing again.It really only feels like it’s been a couple weeks! Yet, so much of my life is different.
I am now a mother to another beautiful little human. A little girl of eight months who has already given me so many unforgettable moments; smiles that make me overcome with happiness, laughter that makes the room brighter and my heart full and already so smart, sometimes I forget she’s still so little. Her personality is the epitome of her middle name. She is Joy.
What I am cherishing most of all, is the beautiful connection she has with her Brother and Father. I watch in amazement as she leaves my side to cry for Dad to pick her up. Or when she joins the two of them in a wrestling match on the living room floor with no fear. She gives them smiles that belong to them and no one else.
I often look at her and think, “I’m so glad you’re here.” Our family has always felt complete but now, she exists and I couldn’t imagine it without her.
My Son is in love with his little sister. He wants to help with everything and he loves having a new playmate. Their bond is already so strong. She’ll follows him around the house like a puppy and watch everything he does. His favorite thing to do is to pretend I can’t see him and then he’ll sneak around the house and get her to follow him. When I catch them huddled behind the couch he’ll laugh and say, “you didn’t see me Mom.”
“Oh, I always see you.”
“With the eyes in the back of your head?”
“That’s right.” We both smile and then he spends the next half hour asking all kinds of questions about how the “eyes” work.
So I’ll just jump right in with saying that as much as I am in love with my little girl, the transition from one to two kids was and has been very difficult for me. I was caught by surprise with how I felt.
I remember coming home from the hospital and hugging my Son. His body felt so heavy and big. A “big” I’d never felt before. He was the Baby up until just a few short hours ago. My heart felt heavy and in the following months it seems I would forget so many of the moments when he was a Baby and what it was like to rock his small little body to sleep at night or feel his small hand in mine. It has brought so many tears to my eyes. It feels like losing someone.
One morning I woke up and he was already awake and sitting at the counter with a glass of soymilk and a bowl full of almonds. Immediately I thought of the chair he had to climb up on to get into the cupboard and how he could have fallen, or the fact that he was up before me making his own “breakfast” when I should have been doing that for him and not trying to sneak in just one more hour of sleep before the baby work up. Then he looked at me with his big blue eyes full of pride and accomplishment. He was so happy to have done it all by himself. Part of me screamed, “Mom fail!” The other part of me was so excited to see him so proud of himself.
There have been so many bittersweet filled moments. The balancing act … or should I say, acrobatic show you must star in with more than one kid is a whole new journey into Motherhood/Parenthood then I feel like I started out on.
I have had many nights full of tears. Asking myself hard questions and feeling like a complete failure as a Mother. Wishing I could take back the bad moments or any hurt I might have caused while throwing a toddler sized temper tantrum; hangry, sleep deprived and sometimes just longing for adult companionship.
I have good days too. Good days where I relish in the sweet moments of, “I can’t believe these two beautiful humans are my children.” Where I’m calm and strong for them in the way I want to be. Where there is only love and kindness. Where I am their teacher and playmate. Where I am present, listening and learning.
My road through Motherhood is the first experience in my life that has made me take a long look at myself. Specifically my reactions and the way I express myself. I’ve asked questions I’ve never asked myself before. Hard questions. Everyday is a journey to be the person I really want to be and these two are reminding me of that goal and it’s importance.
These two little people are learning everything from me right now. That is a lot of pressure! Being on journey and being aware that you are affecting another one can cause some sleepless nights.
I want my children to be kind and honorable people. I want them to be happy and learn to make the decisions they need to make in life when they get older with thoughtfulness and kindness. I want them to be calm souls with opinions based on worldly knowledge. I want them to have everything but know what is more important than having everything you want. I want them to be nourished and know why it’s important to take care of your body and your mind. And most of all I want them to respect and cherish the relationships they have and the people and animals they interact with in the world.
It makes so much sense that this is the path I’m on. If this is what I want for my children, this is the person I have to be.